the chaos inside

dreams and thrills

excitement pools at every beat

heart tries to convey to mind

so it understands

how it feels to live


drought she thought

could be this eternal inside her vows

to stay sane in the dark and mundane path

feels cyclic and unbreakable


so she search

from dust to sea

to the wind that sends the breeze and the twist

livid and vivid


unexpected and quite surprising


that’s how your presence will be elaborated


soon enough



have patience.


the list of twenty something kind of life

there’s this one girl living her school life.

tho her days are still full of k-dramas list to watch, k-pop acts and some other music genres to listen to. there are still movies list to watch when school loads aren’t that heavy.

not forgetting lists of books, novels and some digital stored journals to read

also some imaginations that lurk inside the corner of her mind.

self-claiming herself as skeptic yet can’t help to be a weepy-hopeless romantic when watching a sad story on screen.

can’t really cook properly.

(happily) single.

part midwife. part student. part daydreamer.

28 and still feels younger than ever

28 and still has no clue of what tomorrows may bring

28 and wish for best things as always.


start now..


it is the mantra.

say it once. then twice.


and again.

it’s never easy to make the first step.


Walk in a path clouded with fear and doubts and lacking clear light is terrifying.

But you NEED to.


moving forward..

YOU have to.

Now breathe,


and say Bismillah.

and start now.

my precious little self reminder

taken from

bulan Dzulhijah musim kawin, katanya..

iya sih.. kalau dilihat dari jumlah peningkatan kedatangan lembaran undangan ke alamat rumah & kerja. Teman SD sekaligus tetangga rumah (meninggalkan saya jadi satu-satunya single di akhir usia 20-an di kampung), beberapa teman SMA, yang salah satunya teman dekat sampai sekarang, juga dikabarkan mengakhiri masa lajang.

Bahkan Alex Goot juga kawin, mak. (OK, itu sangat random, but aku naksir sangat sama abang-penuh-talenta-musik-yang-sedikit-geeky-tapi-hot-banget-dengan-kacamata-khasnya itu) Although i never thought his now-wife is totally his type. i still prefer him marries to a brunette lol. But who am i denying fate..

Semoga selalu berbahagia, ya, Bang Alex.

i promised once those invitations wouldn’t be a bother for my weak thoughts. that i would believe what God has planned all along and follow His rules.

But i guess, i’m just typical human anyway.

Tanpa sadar semua pertanyaan-pertanyaan repetitif dan menusuk hati hayati itu terkadang bikin merana juga.

I still believe totally for Allah (swt) to fill all these holes in my life at the right time with the right man. Really..

Tapi ada satu tulisan lama yang pernah diramu sekitar 6 tahunan yang lalu yang sampai sekarang jadi salah satu precious little reminder buat statement yang aku pegang sampai sekarang.

Sedikit terkesan idealis dan kurang realistis. But i believe in true-half and happily ever after in my own way too.. Setiap orang punya konsep masing-masing tentang cinta dan kebahagiaan.. I guess, this is mine.. at least until now.

Tulisan ini pernah dimuat di blog posterous dulu, sebelum mereka ‘hilang’.

Hey, worried ME, enjoy.

another wedding, another wish of live-happily-ever-after story

selalu wondering, apakah itu selalu ada di benak tiap individu setelah selesai sekolah lalu mendapat pekerjaan dan langkah selanjutnya adalah.. pernikahan?

Bagaimana dengan mimpi?

Bagaimana dengan idealisme cinta? Merasa klik dengan seseorang, bahwa ia adalah sosok tepat buat kita.

Atau bahwa pernikahan adalah mimpi itu sendiri? Dimana ia membangun wacana tentang idealisme cinta seiring dengan terajutnya jalinan itu..

Cinta seperti apa yang akhirnya membawa kita pada bentuk keyakinan hati hingga menjejak seremoni sakral pernikahan?

Bentuk cinta seperti apa?

Dalam tahapan seperti apa?

Dan, pernikahan hanya sebentuk seremoni?

Cinta, di mataku, adalah penyatuan dua karakter dimana masing-masing irisannya terdapat bagian–bagian individu yang melebur satu sama lain. seperti berbagi diri, berbagi visi dan intensi..

Ada pembicaraan-pembicaraan tentang rahasia tekelam, rasa percaya akan keberadaan, pandangan ideal tentang rasa nyaman dalam sebuah kedekatan, ketakutan terbesar dan kekaguman diri yang terpancar.

Sejoli yang tak mampu menyakiti selain untuk kebenaran hakiki yang makin mendekatkan dua jiwa.

Aku bingung karena belum pernah mengecap rasa sedahsyat itu. Pula berpikir tentang pernikahan.

Aku masih mencari ruang nyaman dimana aku mampu leluasa bergerak melacak mimpi.

Aku masih mencari sosok.

Sebuah bentuk cinta yang meyakinkan aku bahwa pernikahan bukan sekedar ritual atau seremonial lanjutan dalam fase hidup.

Sosok itu harus membuat alur hidupku ini beriak dalam bulatan-bulatan air yang terlempar ke udara, dan satu-satunya hal yang terlihat dalam Kristal beningnya adalah rasa syukur bahwa inilah dinamika indah dalam sebuah perjalanan singkat.

Ia memberikan begitu utuh hingga aku mampu memberi sama banyak.

Tidak sekedar kata-kata manis dalam kecapan bahagia sesaat hingga menimbulkan ledakan. Pernikahan dari itu tak lagi ikatan murni dua hati. Itu sekedar rekatan rapuh nafsu. Mereka itu yang tersimpan pusaran arus lalu luruh.

Aku ingin bila momen itu datang –bahwa mimpiku mencakup sebuah pernikahan di dalamnya, dan sosok tepat itu tiba dan kami adalah simpul mati yang tetap rekat selamanya.

taken from




you and me were KIDS

And on most of the days we were searching for ways
To get up and get out of the town that we were raised, yeah, Cause we were done
I remember, we were sleeping in cars
We were searching for OZ
We were burning cigars
With white plastics tips 'til we saw the sun
And we said crazy things like

I refuse to look back thinking days were better
Just because they're younger days
I don't know what's 'round the corner
Way I feel right now I swear we'll never change
Back when we were kids
Swore we would never die
You and me were kids

i love how OneRepublic (Ryan’s voice and oh that music REALLY) creates this quirky and lovable imagination swirling inside my very mind as i listen to this song.

Tedder you are AWESOME!

a simple yet meaningful encounter, that morning..

morning coffee

this was originally written for social project task at Amerta; an event held by Airlangga University as Orientation program for new students.

yes, i finally will go back to school this semester. wish me luck.

.. Morning just got started when my friends and i arrived near traffic light at Moestopo street intersection. It was scorching compared with warm sun i always had in Bandung, when it was not even 8 am. Vehicles pooled tidily as light blared red. And it was when we saw them. Actively zigzagged their way in between cars and motorbikes, they waved one or two papers and hugged some other. They yelled some of the latest news hoping one or two ears got interested.

At first we only saw them as perfect objects to get the task done.

We closed the gap and asked them politely to converse at the safer spot. There were two of them,  a man in early 30s and a woman around 50 in age. That was when i saw that the man actually had difficulty to walk normally due to his right leg defect. And the woman looked somewhat older at closer inspection.

My friend chose the man to be interviewed so i asked the newspaper lady to have some talk with me.

Her name is Yati and she is the mother of two. She lives in Ambengan with the youngest kid and her husband as her oldest child is now married. She is indeed in her mid 50s and she is only junior high graduate. She sells newspaper in the morning and helps to do someone else’s chores later in the afternoon to make a living. She was born in Malang and spent her childhood there before she moved to Surabaya with her husband. She used to do newspaper selling just for extra cash while her husband worked as physical laborer. But after her husband had his prostate operated and could not work normally like the old days, all that financial burden is now hers.

She earns not really much daily. It is a rare thing for her newspapers to be all sold in a day unless there are some hot affairs decorating headlines. And not once there are days when she could not sell one at all.

Her youngest kid is now in his last year of high school and is expected to graduate some time next year. His schooling is a priority thus she hopes her kids will end up in better place compared to her now. She said she even would fight for her son to enroll to a higher education if she had the chance.

I eyed her mismatched worn outfits and darkened skin, and prayed silently for the privileges i had up until now. My parents aren’t rich (at all) people to begin with but they fight so hard for their children’s education and comforts. It is also the fruit of their efforts for me to be in the place where i am right now.

I also get another privilege to work at one of government hospitals and be sent to study in Airlangga university. One chance others might get difficulties to find. But with those privileges come responsibility. A will to try my best in my study so i will come back to work place enriched not only with new knowledge but also the power of empathy and theurapeutical communication. At least when we don’t have financial prowess to liberate them from poverty, we have these hands and minds to help them to fight to live another day.

Like our faculty vice dean said in one of his speeches, the way to express our gratitude was no other than pray consistently, study dilligently and achieve greatly and be an extraordinary college students. So we will become one that is needed by society.

At the end we bought 2 papers from each and waved goodbye. Hoping those tiny two could be an extra light that enlighten their steps that day.

parent’s sense


Orang tua mungkin memang memiliki ikatan itu, you know, that gut feeling when a parent senses something wrong with his/her children. And he/she has this pull/urge to call them rightaway to ask whether something is indeed wrong.

Seperti bapak yang tiba-tiba menelepon pasca dinas dan nanya ada apa, are-you-okay kind of question khas a-la Bapak, di tengah kondisi putrinya yang gamang dan sekali lagi dirundung ketidakpastian.

Kata-kata itu tercekat di ujung lidah, tapi tetap aku nggak berani menyampaikan hal-hal yang nggak mengenakkan itu. Selalu tidak sampai hati membebani beliau dengan persoalan-persoalan pribadi macam begini.

I have to be strong, i told myself. i must.

For my own sake.

dear Dad, this daughter of yours is really okay. she’s just trying to be strong for herself and less being a crybaby. really.